A couple of weeks ago, I went to visit Mamaw and Papaw so that I could listen to their stories and add to the blog. I said, “Mamaw, what do you want to talk about next?” Without missing a beat, she said, “Shit” (affirmation that this blog is appropriately titled). So that’s what this one is going to be about. Shit.
Mamaw worked in nursing homes and hospitals for many years. She also spent some time taking care of elderly people. The irony here is that Mamaw has a highly sensitive gag reflex, especially concerning shit. I remember one time when I was a kid, my little sister, Darrenee, went into the bathroom at Mamaw’s and just shit everywhere. There was shit on the walls, on the floor. Just everywhere. Mamaw went into the bathroom, saw it, and immediately started wretching. Mamaw doesn’t wretch like a normal person, it’s loud and violent. It’s also hysterical to the rest of our family. She was wretching so hard that it made me laugh whilst cleaning up all my sister’s poo. Mamaw will also wretch simply from hearing another person wretch. If you get a kick out of endangering your own life, walk up to Mamaw and make a gagging sound. She will simultaneously start wretching while trying to murder you.
Another interesting fact about Mamaw is that she is a champion farter. When we were kids, she would fart and always say, “A mouse did it.” As an adult, I cannot think about a mouse without thinking of farting. Mamaw’s farts are actually pretty legendary. Her sister, Frances, is about the only other person I can think of that could hold a candle to her concerning gastrointestinal air. When my mother and her brothers and sisters were kids, they followed Franny all around a store to get away from Mamaw’s gas. As it turned out, Franny was the one farting the whole time, and they were just walking around in it! I have also heard another tale of my grandmother bending over to try on a pair of shoes. She backed her butt up to Franny and farted on her, but it wasn’t Franny at all. It was a complete (and I’m sure traumatized) stranger.
On the occasion that I went to see Mamaw to talk about shit, she told me a story about a place called Sky City. My mom said that they would be driving down the road and could see the lights of town off in the distance. She would ask Mamaw what the lights were, and Mamaw would say, That’s Sky City.” In reality, Sky City was actually a variety store, from my understanding. It was a place Mamaw frequently shopped for clothes, shoes and other whatnots. She said that one time she was shopping for a pair of shoes and she was reaching up to the highest shelf when a woman got right up behind her in her personal space. Mamaw said that when she moved right, the lady moved right. When she moved left, the lady moved left. She said the lady, “Had her nose right up my asshole.” You can probably guess what Mamaw did next. She said she farted so hard in that woman’s face that it blew her backwards onto the ground.
Particularly funny to me is the fact that I have only heard my own mother fart one time. It was years ago and we were sitting on her front steps talking. She lets out a tiny little “poof” and looks genuinely mortified. Wimpy little fart, by Mamaw standards. I inherited my mom’s farting shame and will painfully and uncomfortably hold in farts, until they either accidentally slip out or I am asleep. My cousin and I used to stay up late listening to her parents fart in their sleep, and we would just die laughing. Truly, what comes around goes around. I have on more than one occasion woke myself up farting (I might as well admit this, since I’m putting everyone else on blast here). This makes dating super interesting. No one believes that there is a mouse under my bed.
During the time my grandma was telling me the Sky City story, she was randomly farting and my grandpa was fussing about it and laughing. Papaw has a great sense of humor and is a prolific teller of jokes. Every time I see him, he has new jokes, varying on a scale of clean to dirty. This time, he told me a joke about some old women at an assisted living home. He said they all went outside to smoke and it started raining. One little old lady pulled out a condom and put it on her cigarette. One of the other little old ladies said, “What in the world is that??” “A condom, it keeps my cigarette dry in the rain”, the other old lady responded. So the second old lady goes to the drug store and walks up to the register. She says, “I need some condoms.” The clerk asks, “What size?” The old lady says, “I need one to fit a Camel.”
Ba dum tss.
💜💜💜
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